When we think about having a difficult conversation, we have already loaded the moment with meaning and stories. The adjective comes first - difficult - and then the conversation follows.

Yet a “difficult conversation” is, in reality, just a conversation. It is an exchange of words between two people. Things only seem difficult when we imagine that what we might say will not be well received, and even then, we can go deeper. It is not the conversation we fear; it is ourselves being rejected. Very often, the idea of a difficult conversation carries a quiet concern that if we state our truth or name an opinion, it may not be shared by others, and with this, we will be cast aside.

Here is a truism: All conversations come with stories attached to them. We never enter someone else’s life as a blank slate. Our words pass through the filter of their experiences as well as ours. Meaning gets attached to our words and theirs, and that may not have anything to do with anyone’s overall intention. This is how misunderstanding occurs, and with this, rejection is possible. 

It is important to acknowledge this from the outset: If we feel it necessary to speak honestly and with integrity, then we must accept that this also carries some risk, and part of this is to do with recognising how easy it is to fall into codependent behaviour. We may tiptoe around someone’s reactions because we want to protect ourselves. While there are times when that caution is wise and will keep us safe from physical harm, there are others when it causes us to shrink.

When we are afraid of being fully seen, we live smaller lives, and so there is a quiet trade-off present in every so-called difficult conversation. Are we compromising ourselves to preserve harmony, and if so, what does that say about the health of the relationship? A healthy relationship allows truth to breathe.

We also acknowledge the importance of timing. There are circumstances we cannot simply walk away from, and so we can gently introduce ideas to prepare the way, opening the conversational space slowly. That is not manipulation, it is care. The equivalent of turning the soil before planting a seed. However, unlike planting seeds to grow a specific plant, at the point we enter the conversation, we cannot control the outcome. We may hope for acceptance, but we cannot guarantee it. We may desire understanding, but we cannot demand it. All we can do is speak.

When we take the broader view, having conversations is exchanging words. Meaning will be attached, and this is part of being human, yet we could also flatten the emotional curve around the things people say. If we could share our thoughts and feelings the same way we pass a plate across a table, with care and respect, maybe something in us all would soften. Perhaps the conversations we have labelled difficult would not be so heavy after all. Perhaps they are simply meant to be moments where we decide to be real and to see ourselves as trusted recipients of each other's sacred truth. 

The Book of Liberty was written to invite people into a deeper story of feeling loved and supported. You can read it for free on our website here.